A Flash Fiction Piece

Published online with Storgy, 2021

Migraines– So, I’ve been dealing with this for quite a while now. The best thing to do is to get some quality ice packs. Not the hard-as-a-brick blue plastic Freezee King ones or whatever they’re called. Those things are for putting in lunch pails filled with egg salad sandwiches or coolers full of beer. You want to get the cold/hot kind that are flexible. The best ones are usually white on the outside with smiling snowflakes printed all over one side. Eye masks are a must-have to block out light. Buy a nice 20 dollar one. If you skimp then you might end up having to double layer them anyway. Unless, of course, you have black-out curtains. (Lucky you!)

Kidney Disease– Okay, so first thing’s first- drink lots of water! The tap water in SoCal is practically radioactive so if you live in a bad area like I do then consider getting a water-filtrating pitcher or buying bottled water (though that brings all the green guilt with it). Also, it’s best if you have a job where you can use the restroom whenever you need to, though I know that might sound inconceivable for some. Try not to eat too many oxalates. There’s a lot in tofu, raspberries, chard, and almonds. Unfortunately, there’s also a lot in black tea, coffee, and chocolate. I know, I know. It sucks. You’ll know if you get kidney stones. It’s like a small panther is trying to claw out of your lower back/side area. If you have any weed, smoke it. If not, you might have to wait out the pain. Tylenol won’t help (take my word for it).

Diabetes– We’ve all heard that trick about buying insulin for dogs or whatever but that only works for one type of diabetes and not the other. Not to mention that now that the idea of using veterinary insulin has made the rounds on Facebook, they’re really cracking down. Don’t fret- I’ve got a solution. Most of the insurance and pharmaceutical big-wigs have front and back property security cameras. So, it’s best if you get a can of black spray paint. Nothing fancy, just make sure it’s opaque and maybe bring a second can in case the first is a dud. Some rope is a good idea too. Hemp rope or ropes of other natural fibers can fray and unravel pretty easily so I’d suggest something dense and synthetic. Finally, you’ll want something intimidating and unassuming. A hammer or baseball bat is a fine option although a rifle will work fine if you take some steel wool to the serial number. You should be able to get an older or used rifle somewhere without too much of a problem. They’re easier to get than the insulin.

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